If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
