on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
