I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
