Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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