Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
