Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
pray to the hookup gods
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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