where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
