called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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