Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
