you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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