I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
