Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
