i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
