dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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