No, you can still breathe under the balls.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
