There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
