i need an iv and a liver transplant
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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