he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
