nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
