I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She told me I should be a condom model.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
