Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
two words: eviction party
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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