I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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