Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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