i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
