addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
