News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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