dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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