I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
