You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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