if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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