This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
