This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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