Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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