my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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