the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
