Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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