OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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