Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
