drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
