Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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