everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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