I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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