last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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