Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
