Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
