his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
