She is in my trunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
