come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
