I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
