turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
